Through the Looking Glass

“It would be so nice if something made sense for a change”- Alice.

As I was going to bed one night, at 8:30 no less, my daughter came in to tuck ME in.  How odd it is that the role between us has changed so dramatically.  It is like the “Looking Glass”, as if I am inside this reversed universe.    My daughter has Epilepsy, and for about 3 years she had a really rough time.  She is doing much better now, thanks to finally finding the right doctor that would take his time and listen, and many prayers.  During some of this time, especially between the ages of 8 and 9, she needed lots of extra help.  She could no longer attend school; she could barely dress herself, and could no longer do the normal things kids her age did, because of the constant seizures. We were inseparable, because she could not be left unattended for long periods of time.  She became more socially isolated, because she had a fear to leave me.   I was always asking her, “Are you o.k.?”    It seemed that was my continuous question for her.   I had to smile one day when I realized she is now always asking me that very same question.  She is now helping me with all the things I find hard to do. She has been the mother in our relationship since July 17^th.

Our relationship is not the only thing that seems out of place, or odd.  The whole world does.  I feel that the rest of July, August, and now September, has gone on without me.  In my mind, it is still July.  It as if I pressed the fast forward button, and just skipped right over it.    I know I experienced those months….I have all the doctor receipts to prove it!  But, it has been like I have been caught up in a whirlwind of doctor visits and testing. 

 I am starting to have periods of normalcy, where I get a reprieve from the Looking Glass’ alternate world.  Last night I was able to prepare dinner for my family.  My whole body pain is starting to diminish, although the pain in my right leg will not leave because of the damage to the nerve.  It is still there, and will possibly never go away, if the damage is permanent.  I asked the doctor, how he knows if my right leg will get better or not.  His response, “Well, we give it 2 years, and if it is not better by then, it is permanent.”  Hmmm, that is very scientific!  In other words, only time will tell.

The pain is getting better, but the weakness continues to progress, especially in my legs.   I am trying to stretch them daily now because of the increased spasticity in my extensor muscles.  This causes everything in my lower body to be off balance.  In other words, my muscles in the back of my legs are constantly trying to contract, when I need them to lengthen.  People may not see it, but I definitely feel it.  The muscles quiver in protest when I try to force them to go the opposite way of what they want to do themselves.  It is like forcing a stubborn toddler to do something he does not want to do.  My muscles have a mind of their own.

I am ready to leave this odd world.   I want to take control and try to force my body to start turning around and get better.  I have always been the CEO of our family; my husband knows this of course.   It has been an unspoken knowledge that he holds the VP spot!   I have had to temporarily relinquish my title to him, but one day, I will get out of this mixed up world in the “Looking Glass” and reclaim my title!


Thanks for all of the comments left on my blog.  I can't respond to all of them, but I wanted to let you know that I do read them, and appreciate them.