The Pool of Tears

Sometimes I feel like Alice in Alice in Wonderland when she discovers her body and world around her have changed after falling down the rabbit hole. She becomes unhappy and cries.  Her tears flood the hallway, and after once again shrinking, she gets caught in the sea of salty tears. 

“‘You ought to be ashamed of yourself,’ said Alice, ‘a great girl like

you,’ (she might well say this), ‘to go on crying in this way! Stop this
moment, I tell you!’ But she went on all the same, shedding gallons of
tears, until there was a large pool all round her, about four inches
deep and reaching half down the hall.”

“‘I wish I hadn’t cried so much!’ said Alice, as she swam about, trying
to find her way out. ‘I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by
being drowned in my own tears! That WILL be a queer thing, to be sure!
However, everything is queer to-day.’”   ~Lewis Carroll

One of the many side effects of Levaquin is, yes, uncontrollable crying.  For weeks, I would not even take phone calls, because I literally could not control the tears.  It is hard to explain, and probably only those who have experienced it can even begin to understand. My family would sometimes resort to laughter, because they did not know any other way to respond.  I did not fault them, because if I had not been crying, I would have been laughing too.  It was ridiculous the amount of tears being shed.  I think I could have filled Alice’s hallway, plus some.   Well, now I no longer have the uncontrolled crying, but I still have frequent tears.  Usually, they are brought on by the intense burning pain.  However, sometimes it is out of pure frustration.  Frustration, that I can’t do everyday things.  Frustration, that my hair is coming out in clumps every time I wash it.  Frustration, that doctors really don’t know how to help those with such an adverse reaction from Levaquin! Frustration of how are we going to get through this??

 I do my best to step back and try to look at it from a different perspective.  There are so many people I know who have gotten through much worse, and have more than survived and have even prevailed.  I am not going to lie to myself.  It is a long road ahead of me.  I wish I could magically snap my fingers and everything will be o.k.  I have even woken some mornings and thought to myself, “I am going to fake ‘well’.  Some people fake being sick, so today, I am going to fake being well”.  It hasn’t worked out too great for me.  Usually, I am quickly reminded that I really am different now.  I will try faking well again tomorrow.

However, I am grateful for the blessing I do have.    I know that one day we will look back on this time, and realize we did survive, and God was right there with us.  I am fortunate to have a loving family and a church that steps in to help when I need them.  We have had meals brought to us, friends holding my hand during infusions, visitors and phone calls giving their support, transportation for my kids, and cards in the mail.  All of this reminds me that I am not going through this alone.   God is sending his support and love through the friends and family we know.   Because of this, I know one day those salty tears, will be tears of joy.