Dear God, I want to thank you for being close to me so far this day. With your help, I haven’t been impatient, lost my temper, grumpy, judgmental, or envious of anyone. But, I’ll be getting out of bed in a minute and I think I’ll really need your help then! ~ Author unknown.
The Really, Really Ugly
Some days I am in a mood….I mean a really, really ugly, horrible mood. It is so hard to be nice when you are hurting. No matter how hard I try, I just can‘t seem to muster it. I think at times all I need is the head spinning and the split pea soup to complete the picture. Why is it so hard to be nice to family when you are suffering? They definitely get the brunt of it. How does my husband put up with me, when I can barely put up with me? I am even horrified, by my behavior at times. I don’t mean to behave that way, but the frustration of all of this just makes it easy for them to be a target. There, now you know the evil truth…I can be one fussy Bitch.
The Bad
Not only am I having physical problems from this Levaquin reaction, but my cognition is not totally there either. Now, some would argue it was never entirely there to begin with. I have word finding problems, reading comprehension problems, and sometimes my processing is slow, especially if more than one thing is going on. I just can’t multi-task anymore. This, as any mom would know, is what separates us from our husbands. It is a universal truth that moms can multi-task, and dads can’t. This just won’t do in times of making school lunches, coaxing the kids out of bed, and out the door in the mornings.
Although, at least now I have a legitimate excuse for some of my fumbles. I can easily plead I am officially an airhead now because of Levaquin. Let’s study some examples, 1) Forget a name- Levaquin. 2) Forget a word mid-sentence- Levaquin. 3) Slice my finger instead of the jalopeno- Levaquin. See how convenient this can be? Before all of this I had no excuse for such absent mindedness. Wait, this could be a good, maybe this is in the wrong category.
The Good
Hmmm, this could be a tough one. Is there a good in all of this? I am still having a hard time adjusting to this new me. I am not sure if it will go away, or if it does, when it will go away. But, I am learning all about the pleasures of slowing down. Not like I have a choice about it, but you know, this slower pace life style is kind of nice. I wish I had learned this sooner. It also has encouraged me to pursue more quiet interests, like blogging. I can’t read some of the in depth books I read before, but I am being introduced to some really humorous authors I would not have ordinarily read.
However, one of the most important “goods” is the affect it is having on my marriage. Yes, as I stated under the “really, really ugly” we have had our moments, but it also has made us revisit those vows we took 21 years ago. When you stand there so young and optimistic, repeating
“to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part,”
you really don’t think those negatives will happen. Those occur to other people. Or you think those years are so far away, we don’t need to worry about that. But we are finding they happen to the best of us. After realizing how severe my reaction to Levaquin truly was, it was sinking in on what a long road we have ahead of us. My husband said, "Remember they say love grows stronger in hardships. Looks like we will be flaming love birds!" Maybe those vows ought to include: “I will be there for you during the good, the bad, and the really, really ugly.”
2 comments:
Lori,
I still think about you every day. I only pray for things to get better. You do write so well that you may have a future as an author. Maybe this is your start. You are so lucky to have a husband like John. Blessings to you, John, Austin and Claire. If you ever need anything I will be more than happy to help.
Jodi
A few days ago, I stared at my daughter for almost a minute, struggling to remember her name so that I could introduce her to some new friends. Scrolling through names in my mind, trying to make one fit, induced a level of quiet panic I don't think I've ever quite reached before.
The physical effects of fq-poisoning are bad enough, but we have to deal with the mental and emotional damage as well. I make my living with my mind, so if tendonosis is bad, it's not the end of the world. Losing command of my memory certainly felt like it, though. There were times I'd have to write myself notes before hobbling over to the other side of the house so that I'd remember what I needed once I got there. One time I walked into a room, only to realize that I'd no idea where I'd been for the past 15 minutes or so -- it was just a big blank, like I'd been sleepwalking. Scary business. Once upon a time, I was captain of my high school's trivia bowl team. After floxing I had a hard time with names, phone numbers, directions, and major chunks of my life. I looked at my resume and some of the things I'd bullet-pointed so proudly once upon a time were simply lost episodes I could not recall in the slightest. How on earth was I going to function if I were to ever return to the workplace?
I won't even talk about the emotional derangement I went through. As bad as the memory problems were, these were far worse. I put my kids and my parents -- and me, for that matter -- through hell.
Luckily, I managed to remember what I named my little girl before my new friends thought I was negligent, nuts, or both. I still struggle hard to find words some days but in the main I'm nearly back to normal. Chunks of my life I'd thought were gone have come back, although it's like remembering a dream or a black and white movie -- no emotional connection at all. Take hope. I've dug deep into the noquinolones board, and for all the cases I read, mental acuity comes back within a year or less of floxing. My memory may not be great yet but I remember this particular factiod :)
Post a Comment