I feel I have gotten a glimpse of independence. I have gone from missing independence to Miss Independent, well sort of. I have come to the realization I need help to regain this sense of freedom. The most useful tools, my car hand controls and my cane. The hand controls in my car have helped tremendously. I have now been able to start physical therapy because I can now get myself there, take my daughter to school, and even enjoy a trip to a small clothing store by myself.
I had a hard time embracing the cane though. I have to admit, I did not like the looks and the comments of “Oh! What happened to you? Did you hurt your leg?” Or, “Why are YOU using a cane? You are so young!” Well, o.k. the comment about being young is kind of nice. I will take that one. But it was hard feeling everyone was watching, wondering “What does she have?” I tried it without a cane for a few weeks, but after attempting to maneuver Charming Charlie, an accessory store, without it; I changed my mind. I think the sales lady was totally convinced I had visited the Mexican cantina next door and had WAY too many margaritas. I was falling into every other display, trying to regain my balance. My pre-teen daughter was with me, and I caught a few sympathetic glances from the sales clerk to my daughter. You know the look, “Oh that poor girl, having to be out with her drunken mother like that”. The truth is, I don’t need my cane every single second of the day, but I reach this moment in time where my body totally locks up, my muscles are too fatigued to go on any more, and I lose my balance. My walk becomes more of a slow shuffle of pain. The problem is I never know when that moment will come. So now I walk proudly with my cane, because I certainly don’t want to be thought of as the local lush.
This whole experience of my adverse reaction, which in my opinion has now turned into chronic disorder, has taken many things I enjoyed away from me. One of them is singing. My voice tires easily with long phone calls and singing simple hymns cause me to get out of breath. I think this is one of the areas where it bothers me the most. I miss my weekly practice with our church choir and singing the occasional solo for my church. My voice has a hard time reaching those first soprano notes that at one time was achieved so effortlessly. This week my choir did a surprise “Random Act of Culture” at a local mall. They sang Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus”, one of my favorites. I haven’t been able to sing with them the past 10 months, but I stepped out of my comfort zone and pushed my out-of-shape voice to sing along with them. It was glorious, and for a short time, I certainly felt I was Miss Independent. Hallelujah!
Thanks for reading!
